Goodbye.
I just read jojo's blog and saw all her pictures in london (you look great btw popo, the thing with you is.. you always do. how to compete with you la when im staying with you wtf) and it just suddenly hit me..that's gonna be me in 2 days.
two. days.
i've always wondered how being in UK would be like. ever since i was a little girl, i have always had the idea that i would be going there after a levels, i mean that was how i imagined my life to be! never australia. never US. always to the UK.
my mom would be like 'you big already then you go UK study what ah? what you wanna study?'
and when i was in a levels i didn't apply to any university in the UK because i had no idea what i wanted to do. seriously. pharmacy wasn't even in my top 10 list. i wanted soooo badly to do law (corporate law ok!) but after relatively strong family objection i decided against it and did pharmacy (the worst course on the planet btw) because even if i did badly i would have my parents to blame wtf. i guess somewhere along the line i decided that, for all my fights with everyone in the family, i wasn't ready to leave my comfort zone and i told my parents so - much to my mother's disappointment.
so now i am here, at the point where i have been trying to avoid. going away. leaving. abroad. away from home.
i just wish it wasn't this hard, you know? to leave everyone. my dad, who for all his bills-induced scolding and his knack for saying things which actually arent true but still manages to make me cry all the time, i know he loves me because he has never tolerated any child the way he does me. my mom, who bought me an 'i <3 mom' flask at half price because she put it in the 'i <3 dad' box during the father's day promotion. my sister, who cried because she worried about how life would be like for me and also because she wouldn't be able to send me off. my younger brother, who has seen me do so many forbidden things yet keeps quiet about it even though i have ratted on so many things of his. my older brother who, for all his talk about not going to have anything to do with me for the rest of life but still buying me a laptop and paying for my airticket and early expenses.
my grandmother, whom without a doubt loves me the most in the world. who nags me and i pretend not to hear her. whom i don't treat the way she deserves to be treated. i have so many regrets yet not enough time to change it. my grandma, who is getting older, who hasn't had the chance to have anything bought and paid by my own money.
my nini. will she forget me? will she hide behind somebody else's skirts the way she hides behind mine when she sees strangers the next time we meet? will i still be the one whose face she grasps with both her tiny little hands and say 'tun ah! tun ah!' (swallow! swallow!)? will i still be the one she looks for when she falls down and cries? will she still come up to my room and know exactly where i put my makeup brushes and try to cajole me into putting on makeup for her not yet 3 year old face?
my friends. oh, the company i have been so used to and have taken for granted. latat. i believe i see you the most out of all my friends, girls and guys alike. when have you refused me help? when have you ever said no when i needed something? when i leave, do not.. i repeat DO NOT let anyone step all over you. i mean it. that's my job. =) jam. for all the niceness, the hugs, the putting up with me, the planning of things, the love.. thank you. suet. for everything we've been through. for not walking away even when i've been mean, i'm not proud of it. for understanding. for your friendship. thank you. for rachel, our shared love for shopping and for being my partner in crime for almost everything. i'll miss you. hannah. for always remembering what's going on with me. for being there, always. for years and years of friendship. for the farewell gifts. for the fact that you are irreplaceable. thank you. minli. for being you. for being so innocent and letting me force you into apostatizing and yet laughing it off. for your sweetness and your total non-fakeness. for your love. thank you.
aud. for a year and more of love. of shared gossip, shared laughter and stupid shoving fights. for never getting angry even though you should. for laughing at handicapped things with me. for holding my hand everytime something comes my way. for all the things you've done for me. i love you.
and.. how and where should i start about my pugin?
pugin. for putting up with me all the time. for letting me have the satisfaction of saying things to boss you around. for the fact that you don't let me boss you around, you just let me say stuff and come up with some silly remark to make me laugh and realize how stupid i am. for always, always making things alright for me. for sharing every single burden i have. for listening to my complaints yet not agree with me if i'm wrong. for looking out for me every step of the way, you really do. for thinking of me every single second of the day. for the unconditional love you give, and for the understanding that i might not be able to do the same and yet still loving me. for accepting every single inch of me. for knowing i'm not perfect, and telling me i'm not perfect while brushing my tears away. for giving in to me once i start crying. for letting me yell. for yelling at me when i'm really bratty. for all you've done. for everything you've made me into. for us.
i want each and every one of you to know that i don't show it all the time but the fact that you guys are here, mean something to me.
fuck all of you la making me cry now
posted by tze @ 5:12 AM
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